By: Cathey Meyer
Grandma Meyer was very clear: Always keep at least two bank accounts—you never know when one will lose all your money. Those words of wisdom were delivered with a very heavy German accent from a women who never had more than $500 in her savings account, $300 in her checking and only owned a Montgomery Wards and SEARS credit card. And I should mention, lived through a couple of world wars and the real Depression. Until several months ago, I continued the family tradition as the third-generation owner of a bank
account at a local institution. The account was hers, then transferred to my Dad and then transferred to me. Unfortunately, a family dispute caused the closing of that account, but the bank was very gracious with me about relocating the funds, opening a new account, and making me feel like the most important customer in the city.
I also have accounts at another institution that claims to serve those in service, but in reality, they just annoy anyone who attempts to receive service. Let’s refer to them as Bank U. Back in the day, Bank U was my primary bank of choice. They were warm and welcoming when you entered the lobby, friendly at the drive-thru and always a kind voice on the phone . . .until they went all internet only. Then they went ‘virtual assistant’. Then they just admitted they went Artificial Intelligence and laid-off all the nice real people. Now not only is tough to just get some money, you cannot alter any account in anyway. The same family dispute caused a need to close an account and open another account. Money all stayed the same, just different names on the accounts. The Bots did not care or help.
Since Bank U trained me years ago to FIRST go online for service, I ventured into cyberspace for a bit of a chat with their version of a person. Of course, they require several forms of cyber ID and a drop of cyber blood before they will continue with their lack of service. After the first inquiry, I was instructed my wait time would be three to five minutes for a response. My complicated question was ‘How do I remove a name from an account?’ Ten minutes later, I was typed, ‘Thank you for your patience. I am researching a response.’ Five minutes later, I was told, ‘You cannot perform this transaction online. Please call for a representative.’ I was familiar with this ploy: You call, you spend 10 minutes proving you are who you are, you wait on the phone for 48 minutes and they hang up on you. This is an institution that should be working for me and making my life easier, after all, I have been a ‘loyal’ member since 1989. So, I called Bank U, AGAIN.
Bank U does not like speaking to humans. Again, you have to provide several forms of identification, answer a secret question, and provide an updated password. Once you are cleared as a genuine customer, a human-like voice begins the long process to eventually tell you your request cannot be accomplished, however, someone will call you back within 24 hours. What?! I just spent 24 hours trying to get an answer. Why don’t you just go into the Bank U, you ask? Because I have played that game before, and they make you wait in a line with other unserviced humans and then send you over to a phone bank to do the same game I just played.
No one returned my call in 24 hours. In 57 hours, I received a BOT message apologizing for not returning my call and they hoped my issue had been resolved. What?! I was immediately back on the phone. When I once again was a verified non-imposter phone bank robber, the questions started again. ‘How can we help you?’ “How many spots on a giraffe?” I ask. There was a long silence, and the confused AI idiot asked me to hold for additional service. To my shock, what sounded like a real human was on the line. My turn to vet for answers: How do I know you are not a robot? She responded, ‘Ms. Meyer, what is this about giraffe’s you need know?’ HA! I told her while I was on hold FOREVER, I had already Googled my giraffe question and received a satisfactory answer, unlike my service with Bank U. She noted she is aware customers are not happy. We did our back and forth and she was not helpful at all. Seeing no solution, I asked what the minimum requirement was for funds at Bank U. She said they prefer $1000.00 minimum in each account, but there was no requirement. Good to know.
Grandma Meyer would be proud. I do have two different banks with accounts, but Bank U now has $25.00 in checking and $10.00 in savings and does not need to worry about me touching either one. They did call and asked if all my issues were solved, and I just told them they never told me how many spots are on a giraffe.
