I heard a phrase, quite a while ago, that has really stuck with me. It’s one of those phrases that brings clarity to thoughts and actions that once seemed disconnected. It’s a phrase that has stuck with me for decades and ultimately shaped me as a person. The saying goes, “You become like the 5 people you spend the most time with.”
When you think about it, it’s not too surprising that the people who you spend your time around will impact your attitude, behaviors, habits, and character. I mean, that makes sense, the people that you interact with regularly – the people that you eat with, live with, share activities with, go through challenges with – are both affecting you and being affected by you in every moment you share. This pattern of influence can be easy to spot in the middle school lunchroom, highschool cliques, and even friends you had in college, but the effects can be even more impactful as adults when relationships are more intentional, time is limited, and commitments pull us in different directions.
This concept is more than just a catchy quote though, it has been studied, tested and proven in psychology, sociology, and even business and it’s often referred to as the Law of Averages – the idea that a person’s success, mindset, or habits tend to reflect the people they associate with most.
But, the reason this quote continues to resonate with me is because of a shift that’s been occurring. In the last 20 years our society, culture and relationships have changed. Between the increase in internet use and digital communication to the social isolation that has gripped younger generations after COVID, this seemingly simple quote has taken on deeper meaning. It’s not just the people you interact with anymore. Now, you become like the 5 media types and content creators you follow.
We know your circle of influence can shape your worldview, priorities, and decisions. We know that algorithms amplify influence, sorting you into categories and feeding you content it thinks you’ll interact with. Sometimes referred to as echo chambers, algorithms curate content based on what you already engage with, reinforcing existing beliefs and habits. We also know that people are spending more and more time online, increasing the potential effects of digital influence.
“But,” I hear you saying, “those aren’t REAL relationships. We’re not actually hanging out with these people, eating with them, sharing their space.” But, parasocial relationships, this idea that you may feel a personal connection with influencers, celebrities, or online personalities, even if the relationship is one-sided means that their values, habits, and attitudes can influence you as if they were part of your social circle.
“Well, what about online communities and groups? Those have got to be better. People are interacting.” On the surface online groups or platforms can create a sense of belonging and shared values, much like an offline community, but when you think about the type and depth of interactions people have, it’s easy to see the opportunities for behavioral mimicry and the idea that emotions can be contagious, leading to the spread of behaviors, emotions, and even success or failure. On social media misinformation and edited images can distort perceptions. When you are spending too much of your social time with the wrong circle, otherwise called overconsumption, this can lead to procrastination, escapism, disconnection from those around us, and so much more.
We’ve lost the opportunity for authentic accountability and feedback. We’ve lost the opportunity to communicate with a small community that sees you in different contexts. We’ve lost the skills of reciprocal relationships that led to meaningful communication and story-telling. So, what can be done?
Curate your “inner circle” —both online and offline—to better align with your goals and values. Choose relationships that provide constructive criticism, guidance, and encouragement, counterbalancing digital influence and challenging your assumptions. Be intentional about what you consume. Exposure to diverse perspectives can broaden your worldview. Seek out individuals or groups that inspire growth rather than complacency. Seek out media that is meant to grow and encourage. Educational content can expand your knowledge, and accounts focused on growth can inspire positive change. You have the power to pick. Who and what do you engage with? Who are your top 5?
